A sex tape of Cary Buteau was unleshed on the internet today. The strange thing is the girl did not seem real. When Buteau’s agent was approached by the situation his only comment was, “Everyone has had silicon at one point in time.”

The sex tape which shows a 4 1/2 inch long Buteau is with the brand new $7,000 sex doll as discussed on CNN.com ( http://www.cnn.com/2010/TECH/02/01/sex.robot/index.html?hpt=T2 ) Bad timing considering the Purple Porpoises were shopping him around earlier today. Looks like his value has take a drastic hit, but his “4 inch + bat” is not getting any hits at all.

Gainesville was all a buzz this weekend with the aquisition of Japanesse star Yoshii. GM Justin Katz had this to say, “We overpaid, we realize that but if it gets us to a championship can you fault us? We felt like we needed to protect Rushing a bit more this year so we had to make a deal. Losing a pitcher like Fredrickson is tough but it is time for Guy Little to step up and make a name for himself.”

Guy Little, the star prospect has not quite finished his development at the minor league level but that does not mean he is not ready. In a late season call up last year he had 2 quality starts against his disasterous opening start. It seems likely that veteran Mazza will fill out the 5th spot in the rotation and Little will work his way in.

“That is the plan, with a veteran guy like Mazza we dont have to rush ‘Chicken’, but we did not want him in the minors one more year. When you are a man you are man…and Guy is ready.”

Gving up a slate of talent to get a player like Yoshii was a tough sell but with a combined .320 BA, 70+ HRs and 220+ RBIs between him and Rushing it gives the Purpoises a feared middle of the lineup. They will need it as the other teams in the Hegel Division are making their own moves.

There is no official word coming out of the Porpoise club house but many insiders have said GM Justin Katz is ready to move ace SP Hernando Desalvo. The news comes on the heels of a disappointing season for the Porpoises who were looking to make a run after last year’s WC birth.

Desalvo is easily a top 5 starter and given the right team he will most certainly challenge 20 wins and sub 2.5 ERA. With Desalvo entering into the final year of his contract it is almost certain he will ask for $20 million + over 5 years. This is something the Porpoises may not be able to handle, especially if they want to resign MVP candidate Daniel Rushing in the near future.

The Porpoises have resisted the constant front to acquire Desalvo by other owners but now may be the time to rethink their strategy. When approached by reporters GM Katz had this to say, “We are constantly evaluating our talent to put the best product on the baseball field. We have made deals in the past which were thought to improve the betterment of the ball club. Desalvo is one of our finest players and certainly one of the best in the league. His future is bright with us and we look forward to Desalvo finishing out his current contract.”

Desalvo did not have any clear picture either when asked about his playing days. “I am happy to be a Porpoise. We have a good thing going here. Two years in a row with a winning record, a playoff appearance, and a lot of upside. I am excited about the upcoming season. About the contract? Well I let me agent deal with that. I come to work and do my job and have fun while doing it.”

If the rumors are true about the Porpoises trying to move Desalvo it will certainly be a blockbuster one since getting future is where the Porpoises have the most to gain.

Fresh off a first round playoff loss the Purple Porpoises addressed one of their key needs this offseason, hitting. In what amounts to a blockbuster deal, Gainesville ships Nathan “Bring in the” Funk, Sixto Marciano, and Bobby “I shit the” Stoops for Pio “Pastrami on Rye” Pastrana.

“We addressed a key need in the offseason. We still think Pio has a lot of mustard left to get us where want to go. We better get there too, because if we dont sell any tickets then we are going bankrupt.”

Pio’s $13 million salary is heavy, but at least they unloaded the biggest piece of sh&t in Stoops. Stoops who signed a 4-year $28 million contract after his 2004 Cy Young season took the money and ran. Since then he has compiled a 4-9 record with a 6.86 ERA in the ML. He was demoted in 2006 where he was equally as good with a 7-4 record, but he did lower his ERA to 5.02. Nice showing Stoops.

Funk, an up and coming prospect pitcher, was a bit shocked but he will be given a chance to start in Brooklyn where as in Gainesville he would have been stuck behind the big 4. This was a fantastic move for the Porpoises as the now have a power bat to add to the lineup and the ability to keep their starting pitching in tact was an added bonus.

The Gainesville Purple Porpoises are on a bit of a hot streak, but dont tell the guys in the locker room that. “We believed in ourselves all season. It just came down to our strong pitching and timely hits which put us over the edge.”, Veteran Shane Spies stated after Game 1. “In our minds we have been doing this all year. Our pitching is as good as anyone out there so we believe, you know, that we can do anything.”

Spies might be right but this team has moxie and has shown so ever since the middle of last season when a managerial change was made. When the team turned to Jesus for inspiration. No, not that Jesus, but Jesus “Dirty” Sanchez, who has take this team to new heights. When asked about the recent comments in the media by a certain GM he was direct and to the point, “I stay above all that, like walking on water. I am here to inspire and show my players the way to the promised land…the OEL championship. If I got caught up in mud slinging I would just be nailed to the cross.”

Sanchez has everyone buying into his philosophy, including Jacobson, “Yeah we sometimes see differently on whether he was a savior for the team this year, but I can understand why people follow him. It is a different way of doing things but I can show support with the team winning.” He sure can and the Porpoises, spelled with an S, are on their way to something special this season.

Rumor has it the Gainesville Purple Porpoises have been shopping around all-world pitcher Hernando Desalvo, but that appears to be farther from the truth. The GM of the Porpoises had this to say at a recent news conference.

“Trade Desalvo?! A pitcher like him comes around once in a lifetime. This league must be crazy to think we are going to trade our anchor. We want to compete some day and that day includes Desalvo.”

When asked whether there are other players on the block, Katz was clear. “Yes, absolutely. We aquired Millette towards the end of last year and while we like him in our rotation his price tag is a bit too high for our budget. Fortner is another player who can offer up a nice #4/#5 place in your rotation. It is tough, you know. We put a lot of money into these players but it is time we refocused.”

Finally, when approached by the idea of unloading Bob Stoops, Katz did not shy away. “Get him the f-^k off this team. If you have a 2 star AA prospect I might consider it.”

The Porpoises do have some big decisions to make this off season but it looks like moving their top gun is not one of them.

About a week ago the Gainesville Purple Porpoises made a difficult decision and fired their manager Steve Combs. “It was a enough already. We thought we could contend for a WC spot this year, or at least stay competative. That did not happen so we had no choice but let Steve go. Bottom line, he had no idea what he was doing. He had Desalvo pitching back-to-back games for Christ sake!”

Speaking of which, The Porpoises decided to hire Jesus Sanchez as their new manager. The price was steep, a 5 year deal worth nearly $3 million. It was a price Katz thought was worth it. “He is a savior. He came in for the interview and instantly walked over the 150 gallon fish tank we have sitting in the lobby. I have been to magic shows in Vegas and this topped it. I knew he was my guy. He knows how to handle people and preaches what he needs in a logical way.”

Since letting go Combs who finished his Porpoise career at 41-75, the Sea Elephants have gone 7-0. It could be the momentum this underperforming franchise was looking for.

The Gainesville Purple Porpoises marketing team is excited to announce that Tom Petty will sign during tomorrow’s 7th inning stretch. In an effort to bring more fans through the gates the franchise decided to offer their loyal faithful a true legend of music.

“The fans have been through a lot this season. We felt it was time to give something back, even after we signed a few big price free agents this off season. Bringing another edge to the fan experience is something our franchise take pride in. We hope our fans enjoye the show

There is also talk he will sing ‘Free Falling’ after the game, although negiotiations are still ongoing.

Gainesville, FL(AP) – Booby Stoops finally stepped up his game with a solid 6.0 inning, 1 ER, 1 hit performance against the Brooklyn Bombers. The Porpoises finally looked like a talented team winning 2 of 3 from the champs. After posting a 7.36 ERA in his first 8 games Stoops needed this kind of effort to try and build some confidence in his manager.

“I made some good pitches for the first time all season. I still dont think this team is pulling their weight but the move for Medina shows they want to win. Oh, and I am getting paid a boat load of cash, so it is maybe time I start throwing they way I am getting paid.”

Stoops was a high priced FA acquisition this offseason, signing a 4 year $28 million contract. He was going to be a #3 starter and help the Porpoises solidfy a starting rotation which could contend for a playoff spot. However, Stoops quickly locked heads with Combs and last week he was demoted into MR and a spot starter role. That spot starter role resulted in a win as well as a drop in ERA to 6.66.

Soon after yesterday evening’s tirade by Manager Combs, the GM of the Gainesville Purple Porpoises has upped the ante . In an effort to shore up some of their bullpen troubles the Purpoises agreed to terms with inter-division rival Brooklyn.

The Purpoises will get a potential closer in Ramon Medina, who is signed into next year. “We just thought it was a bit too early to hand Jacobson the closer role. He is young, 21, and needs at least 2 full seasons at the ML level before we will hand him the reigns. Besides, Brooklyn was offering up cash money and I have a bid in for that virgin at the Bunny Ranch.”

Brooklyn, in return gets the president of the AARP, Andreas Anderson. The 40 year old reliever has been serviceable at times but he was expendable considering his latest home purchase at Golden Acres.

In addition to the deal, single A prospect LF Dominick Collins and $500k cash head over to the Purpoises in exchange for double AA C Kenneth Atnip and a 4th round pick in 2006.