I need to move a pitcher to make room on my roster, so I am looking to make someone a smokin’ deal on SP Trevor Canela.  He missed most of last year with an injury, but my scout still has him at 2.5 stars.  He would look really nice on the back end of somebody’s rotation.  All offers will be considered.  Act now while supplies last!

The Seattle Pilots have shipped under-performing SP Ayurou Hidetada to Stockholm in exchange for MR Juan Moncayo and a fourth round pick. Seattle GM, Mike Bateman, had this to say about the trade. “We had high hopes for Ayurou when we brought him in last year as our big free agent signing, but he came in and started stinking up the place. His pitching was fine, I mean he literally was stinking up the place. I don’t care if it is your lucky underwear, that stuff needs to be cleaned and changed every once in a while. It was causing a real problem in our clubhouse”. The Pilots are expected to release Moncayo and absorb his contract.

I know, everybody would like to have an ace to anchor their staff, but I really think that an ace would be the missing piece I need to make a serious run.  Therefore, I am willing to overpay someone for the right pitcher.  You want draft picks? you can have them!  You want prospects?  Take them all!  I could die a happy man if I could just beat Mack in the World Series once in my otherwise humdrum life.  Is that too much to ask, I mean, really… OK, now I’m starting to sound pathetic…  Anyway, you can all think about it and get back to me.

The Helena Handbaskets have packed their bags and moved to Seattle.  They will now be known as the Seattle Pilots.  When Asked about the surprise move,  Mike Bateman, the owner of the team said,  “We just had to make some changes, we’ve been experiencing some seriously bad mojo lately.  Mainly though, I just wanted to screw with the people of Helena.  I hate them and all that they stand for.  To quote my good friend Clay Bennett, ‘ I don’t care if I burn in hell for all eternity; I will lie, cheat and steal to get what I want.  I am the biggest douche in the world’.  I think that pretty well sums up my feelings.”  The feelings of the people of Helena is mixed, but when asked about the move, the majority of the people we talked to responded, “We had a baseball team?’

In a move of pure desperation, the Helena Handbaskets have shipped off their best player, LF Tory Chavez, to the Cairo Leveemen in exchange for a pair of prospects, 2B Ralph Batz and SP Mark Mahar.”We felt like we had to do something”, explained owner Mike Bateman.  “We tried sacrificing a goat, swimming in the blood of virgins, you name it and we tried it.  We recently found out that Tory was born in hospital that was built over an old Indian burialground, so he had to go.  I mean, come on, our pythagarian differential is an unheard of -10, and we just lost our best pitching prospect to a career ending injury!  It’s almost like were going straight to hell in a hand…oh crap!  I think we need to move the team.”  Bateman was later seen running naked down the streets of Helena foaming at the mouth and babbling something about looking for someone called the “Keymaster”.
Also invovled in the trade were CF Mark Kiker and MR Manny Labarbara, who are going to Cairo in exchange for a 2nd round pick.

The Helena Handbaskets have shipped malcontent first baseman Wiley Reinoso, along with next years fifth and seventh round picks in the draft, to the Marietta Mammoths in exchange for LF Tomihiko Heizo and AAA Pitcher Adam Peters.  Reinoso has been asking for a trade ever since losing his starting role to promising rookie Joel Rivas.  “I would like to thank the Handbasket organization for granting my trade request”, Reinoso said in this morning’s press conference, “and I don’t want to say anything negative about my stay here in Helena.  Let’s just say that the team sucks something awful, and I hope they all die from an epidemic of flesh-eating crotch fungus.”  Michael Bateman, Helena’s owner, was more diplomatic,  “He’s right that we are struggling right now, but we’re rebuilding and we have a lot of young talent that will hopefully develop into something big in a couple of years.  We really like Peters and think that he could develop into a solid middle of the rotation guy, and I hear he doesn’t cry like a little girl when he doesn’t get his way.”  Mammoth owner,  Nate Wooley, made the following statement.  “Reinoso gives a little more pop out of the first base position which will help us in our playoff run.  The draft picks should help give us some needed depth to our minor league system.  It’s not like those picks are going to be coming late in each round either, because, you know, Helena sucks something awful.”

I find myself in the position of having an extra outfielder that I may be willing to move. Joseph Watson, CF/LF, 2.5 stars. He’s a popular guy and could add some fan interest. I would be looking for prospects. Email me if you’ve got any interest.
Mike
Helena

I know, Mack is going to yell at me for not doing the whole fake Manager persona thing, but I’m too tired. Sorry

In a shocking revelation, the well known recluse and Manager of the Helena Handbaskets, God Almighty, has once again communicated with us. His image appeared on an overdone piece of toast in a truckstop diner just outside of town. Believers and skeptics alike were reported to have heard the following statement coming from a booming voice in the skies, “WE DOTH SUCK, AND MUST REBUILD”.
God followed up with a list of players he would be willing to trade for young pitching and prospects.
SP Tomas Folch
SP Joseph Diederich
CL Alfred Wickline
3B Ben Anguita
RF Shane Spies