In a minor deal intended to help stock Cairo’s roster, Pittsburgh sold the Leveemen one major league player and five players from the AAA Imperial Guards. Pittsburgh traded major league pitcher Robert Gaertner along with minor league pitchers Earnest Bosserman and Randy Woodhouse, infielder Jason Godines, and outfielders Michael Seay and James Ward in exchange for $1 million.

“Well, it looked like Cairo needed some more guys capable of playing at a major league level and we had some guys who wanted that opportunity. Pretty simple,” explained Pisces Owner/GM Mack Shultz. “It’s a little deal that hopefully is a win-win for everyone involved.”

The Pittsburgh Pisces front office announced a contract extension today with star reliever Vincent Furness, sending the Pisces’ fans into waves of delrium.

Vincent “The Fox” Furness has long been known for his matinee idol looks. A solid 6′3″ with 230 pounds of chiseled muscle, Furness’s female fans have gone slightly loopy with their excitement. The sentiments posted on the WFF (“Women for Furness”) website cannot be shared in a family-friendly blog. But, the news of the three-year extension has sent these women into an orgasmic frenzy.

“I loved the Pisces before,” said WFF spokeswoman Heidi Klum. “I mean, my interest was at an 86 on a scale of 1 to 100. But now, after the extension, it’s a solid 100. I told Seal that I was sorry, but I would be travelling with the team from now on.”

Could other teams achieve similar gains through extending the contracts of their popular players? Hard to tell, but time and experience should show the way.

Looking at your team and realizing that you need another infielder? An outfielder? A catcher? A reliever? Come to Pittsburgh to Crazy Mack’s House of Replacement Value. I have found that I ended up with absurd numbers of replacement level players, as minor league free agents flocked to the feel of Pisces fever. And, my scout tells me many of those players are ready for major league action, which they can provide at bargain salaries for YOU!

Prices will be low, low, low, since they are basically replacement level players (some maybe a touch better), after all. But look at the values represented by catcher Leo Quintana, first/third baseman Andre Hanson, shortstop Robert Emanuel, outfielders Michael Seay, utility player Heriberto Serrano, and many other fine position players. Or, you can get pitching in the form of Ernest Bosserman, Greg Heilig, Randy Woodhouse, or Luis Reynoso.

These any many other players are just waiting for your call. Visa, Mastercard, cash, and mid-round draft picks are all accepted.

In its continuing effort to reshape its roster and confuse observers, Pittsburgh made two trades today. In the first deal, Pittsburgh sent reserve catcher Richard Pendleton to New York in exchange for $500,000 and minor league “pitcher” Juan Truluck. In the second deal, Pittsburgh sent infielder Alan Williams to Jersey City for starting pitcher Steven Pate and outfielder George Marcano. Owner/GM Mack Shultz could not be reached as his winter ski retreat, instead sending deputy assistant GM William Shultz out to meet the press.

“Well, Daddy said we had too many catchers, what with Dominy starting, Valdes capable of backing up, and Jensen on the way. So, when Uncle Eric asked nicely for Pendleton, Daddy said sure. Boy, does Trulock suck though,” explained the youngest Shultz. “As for the other deal, we felt that it was more important to acquire another quality starting pitcher in Pate and to return Marcano to the Pisces fold than to keep Alan Williams or the draft pick.”

Surprisingly, neither of these trades dealt with the two Rule 5 players selected in yesterday’s draft. Will Pittsburgh do the improbable and keep them, or is this merely parts one and two of a trade trifecta?

Edited to add:

Pittsburgh also announced that it traded the two Rule 5 players recently drafted, 1B Seve Bosch and 3B Agustin Moreno, to Helena in exchange for $200,000 and C Eduardo Romo. This announcement caught few people by surprise.

Given the resounding success of sending Bill McLaurin to the waiting arms of the babes in Stockholm, I hereby announce that starting pitcher Ramiro Roxas is also free to a good home. Mr. Roxas is an experienced starter, with a career ERA of 4.56. However, the same minor league signing frenzy that made Mr. McLaurin expendable also makes Mr. Roxas available.

He’s not great, and probably not even good, but he’s not terrible either. If you have any interest, email me. (Don’t spread this too widely, but I may even be willing to pay part of his salary.)

Free to good home: Reliever Bill McLaurin.

He’s not great, but he’s not bad either. It’s just that the influx of relievers I got to sign minor league deals has made Mr. McLaurin expendable.

Email me if you’re interested.

Since Nate amusingly posted this to the wrong blog, I’ll do him a favor and bring it over:

Yet another Marietta-Seattle deal as Marietta acquires pitcher Juan Mandeville in return outfield prospect Rudolph Fu.

In a deal finalized on the eve of the draft, the Pittsburgh Pisces have sold off a piece of their future for nothing but cold, hard cash. The Pisces have sent their second, third, and fourth round picks in the upcoming draft to Cairo in exchange for $10 million. Two other crappy A-ball starting pitchers also exchanged hands to comply with league rules, as the Pisces sent out John Stanley and received Simon Galaz.

Speculation is running rampant in the Steel City as to Owner/GM Mack Shultz’s intentions with his new found riches. Sources indicate that the always popular “hookers and blow” option is being hotly debated within the organization. Other possibilities are said to include a new villa in the Caribbean, a preemptive legal defense fund, and payola for a new stadium. Wild rumors indicate that Shultz may even spend it to improve the team, but that seems most unlikely.

The Pittsburgh Pisces today announced the acquisition of two key players to bolster their unexpected playoff run today. The Pisces acquired infielder Juan Favela and outfielder Joseph Watson from the Helena Handbaskets. Favela is expected to become an immediate full-time starter while the left-handed Watson is likely to platoon and play primarily against right-handed pitchers.

In exchange, Pittsburgh sent west starting pitching prospect Chris Saez as well as two major league reserves without minor league options–shortstop Jason Largo and outfielder James Rhodes.

“We’re thrilled to add two impact players to our team,” said Manager Moses Guthrie. “Both are wily veterans who will help show our youngsters the right way to play the game.” Guthrie then enthusiastically dunked a rolled up piece of paper into the trash can, over the outstretched arms of bench coach Lucian Tucker.

Surprisingly, two young players who are expected to see their playing time diminish were also in favor of the move. Both current shortstop Alan Williams and centerfielder Tracy Snider said, independently, “We believe that what’s best for the team will be what’s best for us. We’re excited for our new teammates to join us in our attempt to claim the division title.” The flat monotone in which both players delivered the identically-phrased sentiments made one wonder whether Official Team Astrologer Mona Mondieu may have added hypnotism to her cupboard of tricks.

Saez, however, expressed some regret about the trade. “First I go from New York to Pittsburgh. That’s ok, Pittsburgh is at least still a city. But then to go to Helena? You’re kidding, right. I’m not even sure I want to make it to the majors now.”

The Pittsburgh Pisces today announced the acquisition of infielder John Avelar today from Stockholm. Avelar is expected to be the primary infield backup at third and second. In return, Pittsburgh sent a fifth round pick in next year’s draft and minor league “prospect” Duncan Gillis overseas.

“We felt we needed some depth in case of an injury, and John gives us that,” said Owner/GM Mack Shultz. “Plus, he’ll be an upgraded bat for us as a pinch hitter. All in all, we’re pleased to welcome him to the team.”